December 20, 2007

Santa Claus’ Village for Sale

North Pole Realty inc is proud to present the latest addition to their portfolio – Santa’s village, workshop and resort. According to the sales brochure, the property includes, but is not limited to:

Fully fitted Elves workshop
Accommodation for up to 1500 elves plus families
Full reindeer team and sled
Owner’s sumptuous private villa which includes a private pool, Swedish sauna and panic room
Separate housekeeper’s and servants quarters

Owing to certain magical properties (sic) the property is not measurable in the traditional sense of the word. Interior space is not limited by exterior size and the spacious cavern which holds the development is actually considerable larger than the exterior floor plan might suggest.

The realtor, Fergus Smudgekin of NP Realty, said, “ This property is really a remarkable opportunity for some lucky investor. It has the potential to be one of the biggest resorts in the world and would suit a toy manufacturer or hotel chain owner perfectly.” He suggested in an aside that there may already be interest from a certain property mogul with close connections to a cartoon duck, but also intimated that it was, ”too soon to be specific and part of the deal hinged on some golf development over the ice coming to fruition.” He also suggested that this property held far more potential, due to the low maintenance costs. ( There is no Elf union and rates are extremely low – even compared to other emerging markets.)

When asked about the fact that the property appears to be sitting in an ice floe in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, Mr. Smugdekin replied, “A mere detail, easily outweighed by the enormous investment potential and solid brand awareness.”

In an interview with a local newspaper, Santa said he was selling the property because he was, “sick and tired of being portrayed in the media as a fat fool with a beard that lives on milk and cookies.” The thin looking, clean-shaven Santa went on to add that he had been on a diet for some time now and was down to a svelte 165. He also claimed that Mrs. Claus had had enough of seeing him with half naked girls wearing red stocking draped all over him and it was, “High time to move to that beach villa in the Dominican Republic and work on his suntan.”

Also included in the sale are an undisclosed but shrinking number of Polar bears, as much ice as you can shake a stick at and the dubious distinction of 24-hours a-day sunlight during the summer months.